CLL

" chronic lymphocytic leukemia.  " (cacophony at its best)

initial reaction: chronic ___ leukemia? what is that again? leukemia. leukemia. leukemia.

all you hear is leukemia and you think "ohmygod" but isn't lymphoma worse? grandpa had lymphoma and died a few years after......

it's chronic.  chronic being over a span of time. chronic is not acute; not now. but chronic can change in a heartbeat. at least that's how I see patients in the intensive care unit. Chronic transformed into acute.

then you become an e-health consumer and proceed to (aren't we all guilty of doing this at some point in our lives) "google" CLL.  Ads, Wikipedia, Mayo-Clinic, and the National Institute of Health result.

okay, i read and skim the e-literature... but "what did the doctor say again?" and what does it mean?

Hearing, but not Listening.  a million thoughts flash in my head. former patients, working in a hospital, my late grandfather and his lymphoma, chemotherapy, are you living life?, she always lives her life!, live your life even more and the way you want it, but people without cancer die any other day from freak accidents so it doesn't even matter, do i treat this like a chronic disease like diabetes?, it could be worse, why am I so calm and not phased completely? more of a reason to go for genetics? they say CLL is caused by a genetic mutation. 2 causes in my life encouraging me to become a genetic research scientist.

still trying to digest this.  my heart is slightly heavy, or is it the paper for my masters that's due in 2 days?

never take a day for granted and live everyday as it is your last.  but working in the ICU has already taught me this.

it will all be okay.  Thy Will be done. the rest will follow...